Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!