Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops