Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
put ‘er there pardner!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky