friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”