FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The news in a nutshell.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.