Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
You Might Also Like
I’d rather go liquor treating.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
drew a comic about my origin story
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Cashiers are always checking me out
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”