Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.

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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.


Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.


Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later


I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…


Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…


Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.


Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.




[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles