Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The Others (2001)
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute