For the baby who has everything
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters