“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
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Well at least the company is owning its mistake
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Roses are red
Violets are blue
will be used
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife