@ObscureGent

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

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@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@smithsara79

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

@ramblinma

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Cryptoterra

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

@bossy_bootz

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Undeleted txts
will be used
against you

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@TheAlexNevil

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife