Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
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I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.