Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
What number SPF blocks people?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.