@3dog101

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@AndyRichter

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

@KeetPotato

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

@MDthrice

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

@clichedout

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it