Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

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Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?


Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?


I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around


[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain


At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.


me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it