Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.