Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*gets down on one knee*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
bought wrong eggs
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.