FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Stop sending me this shit.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
philosophical skeletons be like
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”