If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps