FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
how to market bottled water to dads
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts