@419BillE

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

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@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

@scorpiusryan21

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@SaraMansford

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.

@HansGrubertron

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

@TySmithdrums

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.