While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.