Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna