Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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Never forget.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.