Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Inside you there are two wolves

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?