This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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Vodka doesn’t care about your 70’s bush…
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
he ate ALL the jam!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.