@JillianKarger

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

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@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@CrystalMoon214

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@Darlainky

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.