friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.