Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.