Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

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The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.


Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]


Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.


[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!


Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog