Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You Might Also Like
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead