The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
10: What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?
10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog