friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”