Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings