FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

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Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:


Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer


yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up


If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi


angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol


Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming


Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.


Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”


“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese


Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome


A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.