FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.