@hallebaileys

friendly reminder that it is a sin to not be bisexual. the bible says adam and eve not adam or eve.

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@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@Proxic0n

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

@Dani21013

Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.

@ArfMeasures

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

@abrosenthal

“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials

@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

@batkaren

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

@MrsFancyPants77

I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.