[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.