Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
calling in to work dehydrated
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If you want my opinion ask my wife
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅