@michaelianblack

Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.

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@drankturpentine

I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward

@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@Bratterina

*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@fro_vo

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

@Rollmaninoz

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*