Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Ugh but profoundly
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
#CoronaOutbreak
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
what’s more important?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?