Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Always…
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.