Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*