Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Know why I pulled you over?
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.