Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Cat is stressing him out.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.