Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”


CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.


“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”


I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?


[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha


ME: You could cut the tension with a knife



“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.


Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.