Friends are like French fries: they don’t microwave well.

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[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance


I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”


You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin


I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.


Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.


It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence


Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.