Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
lol
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen