[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what