Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.