Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.


Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself


The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings


Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head


I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground


When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.


My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”