@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

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@lmwortho

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@JeffCoen

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

@NewDadNotes

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”

@Lisaley

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

@ifuseekamynow

I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me