Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.


Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.


If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.


Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low


Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.


*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”


Remember when double entry was an accounting term?


I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.


We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.


date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me