@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

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@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@gigglegirlnoel

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@caithuls

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

@Jardisliketardi

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”