Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping