“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Not today
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime