If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.
Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger
My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?
I’ve been on Twitter too long
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food