Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby