@Pickles5366

Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long

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@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

@kieransofar

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

@amydillon

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

@wildethingy

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

@hexprax

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food