@AbbyHasIssues

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

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@_steamy_mac

The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

@filthybeggar1

People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.

@HughGoesThere

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@shannonlaynee

captions that need to die:

“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”