Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
somebody come look at this
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!