Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

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The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.


People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.


[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one


{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.


For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you


Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..


In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!


I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?


captions that need to die:

“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”