[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
beware of dog
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.