Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
You learn something every day
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected