“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes