Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The “baby” on the left….
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks