@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

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@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

@FatBottomGirl1

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@River_Niles

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY