@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

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@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

@TheToddWilliams

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess