FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.


7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?


A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.


TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?


My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.


NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess