FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The French cow says MEUX…