@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

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@nathankmusic

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

@TheSweetestD_

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

@PhilJamesson

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

@Rollmaninoz

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

@Daveastated

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.