Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
You Might Also Like
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON