“Why are you like this?” I ask my dog as I continue to pet him, spoil him, feed him 17 meals a day, and take him for walks every time he seems antsy
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
salazar slytherin: no reason
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[best women in the world]
15. are the
13. in the
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
3. are all
1. my mum