@lionprincessval

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

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@LoveNLunchmeat

“Why are you like this?” I ask my dog as I continue to pet him, spoil him, feed him 17 meals a day, and take him for walks every time he seems antsy

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@TheAlexNevil

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@mommajessiec

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@dumbbeezie

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

@DukeLemoyne

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

@KeetPotato

[best women in the world]
17. all
16. women
15. are the
14. best
13. in the
12. world
11. its
10. impossible
9. to
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
5. because
4. they
3. are all
2. equal
1. my mum