Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
waiting for halloween be like:
So glad we cleared that up
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)