@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

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@TheNextMartha

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@hippieswordfish

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@causticbob

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.