@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

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@astutenewf

YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH’S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

@moneebthinks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@TYrannosaurus

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@youngkrazz

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.