@aparnapkin: Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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@the_hawlk: Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
@Try2StopME: *washing car* Neighbor: "You washing your car?" Me: "No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus."
@murrman5: "you're too polite" I am not [two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers
@sofarrsogud: DINOSAUR PARTY TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!! *hands phone to T-Rex T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.