Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Catercrombie & Fish
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Well well well…
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.