Having a terrible night with my date and her husband
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH’S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.