Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.